Buku Kenangan

Seasons go by, anomaly jamming in the way. Dry season is wet and wet season is dry. Change is very natural and now I apply 'change' and trim my oldschool blog. This design, more or less, represents my direction in my soul-digging project. Green and green, color of endless growing, fertility, healing, tranquility, and balance. Then brown, color that evokes sense of strength and warmth.

So what do you think?

Posted in: unconfined on Monday, August 31, 2009 at at 5:03 PM 1 comments    

image, courtesy of school.discoveryeducation.com

For the past few months, I considerably putting my words into writings on daily basis. Most of them are my observations to any events flying in front of my eyes, a little empathy, and laboring my left brain to do more scientific analysis. I pretty much proud of myself not to let my left brain take over everything and manage to escape tendency to speak nonsense syllables just to make me look intelligent. Everything has to be precise, concise, and clear.

However, I felt like I had been distancing from myself. I let a couple of dreadful events draw me into a prolong state of grief and I tried to protect myself by looking away from my feelings. It was pretty effective, I didn't cry, I didn't play drama-queenesque performance. Then it began to sunk myself. I was constantly restless, clueless, tempted to find pleasure to fulfill the hole in myself. I am me. I am sensitive, I am emotional. Deal with it. It's my forte and also my weakness. Acknowledging it doesn't mean that I encourage myself to be an emotional trainwreck but to be me as a whole. It's about finding peace in my soul.

I don't even know how to utter my emotion in precise way. My emotion is pretty much mixed and unidentified by vocabularies in any language I know. My sensitive side speaks to me in code, dangling puzzling images and words. They are waiting me to set them free and what better way to express this other than poetry? After entangling everything in poetry, soon I am able to grasp what I feel and also what I'm thinking. Poetry leaves space for people to be creative, maintain some kind of secrecy (especially for the writer), and able to be interpreted in lots of possible way. Because of that, people can personalize the poetry they read to whatever happens in their lives and poetry tends to stand test of time. Therefore I've decided to resurrect my 'poetry-class' blog in a new scent: canting candrakirana.

I am once again cramming to be a member of poet society.

Posted in: contemplation, sharing on at at 2:15 AM 0 comments    

I miss you
and I miss us.

Posted in: sharing on Sunday, August 30, 2009 at at 10:45 PM 0 comments    

Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar . . .: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes by Thomas Cathcart


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
A crash course to philosophy, with sprinkle of jokes. I used to think that philosophy is only for people who like sitting in the toilet and wondering around their bitterness. However, now I learn that laughing is hip in philosophy menu, recommended by Chef Cathcart & Klein. Sweet!

View all my reviews >>

Posted in: book, review on at at 3:05 PM 0 comments    

"Two of Us"
Artist: The Beatles
Album: Let It Be

Posted in: music on at at 1:25 PM 0 comments    

Bunda,

saya mau pulang.


Ananda

Posted in: sharing on at at 2:15 AM 0 comments    

image, taken from gnjlaw.com

Hari ini saya melihat wajahnya dalam cermin. Rambut panjang bergelombang, kulit pucat, mata sayu dan senyum yang memancarkan harap. Ia masih kurus seperti dulu. Dia masih keras kepala, sama seperti yang kuingat. Sekian lama waktu berlalu, hati saya masih berdesir untuk dia. Saya tidak pernah coba hapus kenangan karena melupakan apalagi seseorang yang pernah menjadi salah satu titik nadi saya, membuat saya kosong, seperti mencabut nadi dan membiarkan kematian menghampiri. Habis darah, habis perkara.

Dia telah menjadi bagian diri saya walaupun fisiknya tidak bersama saya lagi. Saya percaya saya pun ada di salah satu sel hatinya walaupun badan saya tidak bersama dia lagi. Jiwa saya dan jiwanya pernah berjodoh dalam satu waktu. Namun sekarang saya dan dia maju berjalan ke arah yang berbeda, mengikuti petunjuk Dalang Hidup. Saya belajar. Dia belajar. Hanya saja kali ini kami harus menempuh rute yang berbeda untuk menuju Jalan Hidup Sejati. Doa saya untuk saya, kamu, kita, dan semua orang yang mencinta. Semoga kita tidak pernah lupa bahwa inti hidup kita adalah cinta dan yang paling mulia dari segalanya ialah ikhlas untuk cinta.

Posted in: contemplation on at at 12:30 AM 0 comments    

image, taken from here

It was dark and cold. I couldn't see anything clearly and neither any sound was heard. I just walked and walked never knowing where I was exactly. A lost child, I followed my instinct. I am always afraid of darkness because when it is dark, you're not aware of what waiting ahead of you or who going to take advantage of this situation. I like being in control, knowing what I do, assessing my surrounding. Darkness is certainly not my natural environment given what horror movies frequently demonstrated that any danger can happen anytime. At this point, I had no choice but to fight it. Tip toe, tip toe. Although horror whispered in my ear, there's something magical about not knowing what to do but actually knowing what to do. The voice in my heart told me where to step and to stay calm as it prepared me to face anything that might happen.

There was no candle in my hand but I still had candle in my heart. I hoped that I was strong enough not to let my fear blow the fire, but the darkness started to touch the tip of my heart, as if evil waiting for me, giggling on me. I held my breath. The air was so thick and humid that grasping a breath was not an easy task. Suddenly I smelled stench of blood. Oh good, was this shocking therapy for my phobias? Did my fear alter my senses? I began to doubt myself but I kept walking. Then I sensed my feet was stepping on a wet floor and the smell was getting stronger. My fear urged me to go away but my curiosity told me to go on. I kept telling myself, this was a one time experience, I should find out or else spent my lifetime wondering about this, so I walked and let the horrid smell be my guide.

As dark caressed me, a voice in my head was telling run away but I ignored it. I had given up to it for many times and this time I wouldn't though I still had doubt. What if it was not my fear per se but it was my instinct? I needed to know and it asserted me to find evidence to verify my hypothesis. "I'm walking dear, don't interrupt me," I said to myself. Even so, the fear and the curiosity pulled me from opposite directions no matter how I told them not to. "Opposite attraction", huh. The two must co-exist as a signal of my sanity.

I walked cautiously, not to miss any sign sent by my nerves from my body. My feet told me that there's something in front of them. It was supple and moist, my skin said. Urging to find out, my nosy self took its turn. I bent over and placed my right hand to that unidentified object. Right after that, my head traveled to various scenes in thriller movies, blood and cut-open throat. My heart pumped harder, blood rushed to my head, sweaty palms, and the hair of my flesh all stood up. My intuition told me that someone approaching me and he/she was getting closer to me. I couldn't move, frozen like a statue. My body won't do what my head ordered to do. I imagined this must be what we felt when we were faced with bomb that was still ticking, seconds to explode. Despite of what danger awaited me, I managed to ponder if "we are not afraid" was humanely enough to be a slogan. Were we all supermen? Nope. How about, "we fight terrorism"? Human could be afraid or terrified but when there's strong will, human would fight to the end.

Succumbed to my fear, I knew that he/she was already behind my back, staring at me. I was in horror. I could see a speck of light in front of me. It was not from a lamp or flashlight, it was more like reflection. I chose not to take a guess. Wait a minute, was the person behind me Freddie Krueger? Oh I wished I was in Howie Do It show. Prankster wouldn't kill me but if it was for real, no doubt that I would end up as victim no. 2 (at least) and in the morning, investigators from CSI might come and read my "victim resume", "Twenty two year old girl found in her bedroom, slashed in her wrist, neck cut open, blablabla".

Oh yeah, thinking about this wouldn't save me, I should focus on happy thoughts so I could spell "Expecto Patronum."* Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Me, my brother, and parents gathered and we were laughing on Zoolander, my first kiss in front of my house, my best friend's graduation, my first internship job. Filled with joy, hope, gratefulness, and peace. My heart sang, "Peace is not what we find in a place that is free of noise, problems and hard work; peace is what allows us to preserve the calm in our hearts,even in the most adverse situations. That is its true and only meaning."** Boom, right after that, My Protector saved me. I was wide awake in my room. Light and no fear.

Grand conclusion: I watched too much movies.


*one of charms in Harry Potter, classical Latin for "I await a protector".
** quoted from Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren vol. 2, Paulo Coelho

Posted in: unconfined on Saturday, August 29, 2009 at at 11:25 AM 0 comments    

"Peace is not what we find in a place that is free of noise, problems and
hard work; peace is what allows us to preserve the calm in our hearts,
even in the most adverse situations. That is its true and only meaning."

(Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren vol. 2, Paulo Coelho)

Posted in: contemplation on Friday, August 28, 2009 at at 10:58 PM 0 comments    

"Across The Universe"
Artist: The Beatles
Album: Let It Be... Naked

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Posted in: music on at at 1:54 PM 0 comments    

Bridge of forgiveness, image, courtesy of rpigate.files.wordpress.com

I've been always a fan of Paulo Coelho's work. "The Alchemist" has drawn my soul and has opened my eyes. I can see that Paulo Coelho is a man who travels, meets, and learns from a lot of people. He sees, he hears, he thinks, he contemplates, and he shares. Indeed, he inspires me a lot.

Today, I am reading one of his book "Stories for Parents, Children and Grand Children" and stumble upon this short story "The essence of forgiveness". There was a Napoleon's soldier who committed a crime and condemned to death. His mother pleaded with Napoleon to forgive his son. Then Napoleon responded her saying that the lady's son had did an action that deserved no mercy. The lady replied that she knew and if it had done, it would have not been true forgiveness.

"To forgive is the ability to go beyond vengeance or justice"
(Paulo Coelho)

We all make mistakes and if we felt that we didn't, someone might think that our action, in someway, caused that person detriment or even heartache. In other words, our intention might be interpreted differently by people. I didn't mean to hurt her, I mean well, I did this for his sake, etc. If we finally comprehend the reason, we are bound to put our position in his/her shoes, we could understand his/her action, and then we said, "I forgive you." When my auntie decided to tell my parents about my backstreet relationship with an older guy (I was 16 and the guy is 28), I was in rage. I thought that she had betrayed my trust. Come to think of it, I put myself in her shoes back then and I knew that she loved me and she feared that something bad might happen to me. What a 16-year-old girl knew to defend herself and what a 28-year-old-guy could do to a teenager given his advantage prior to his experience as an older guy. As she loves me, I forgave her.

It's easier and seems more natural to forgive someone who means well. However we must come to our senses that not all people think the best for you. Sometimes they steal,lie, cheat, stab your back, make you their scapegoat, cause harm to your loved ones, etc just for their own benefit. They might be not 100% bad but they did bad things to you because you, for some reason, were in their way to accomplish their goals. They could say, "this is business, nothing personal." Talking about getting snapped in the face, it hurt, it might leave marks of bad memories and inflict hatred.

This evening, I watched some kind of talkshow in Metro TV discussing about public mockery to Indonesia Raya, our national anthem. The guest was enraged by it and urged the government to declare war to one particular country. He said that our country was losing its dignity because our government did nothing to demonstrate our authority. I couldn't help but wonder that we had role in this. Remember that when we found out that one of our tribal dance used in an another country's 'visit year' advertisement? Some of us accused that this country did and had nothing worth to be praised: terrorist-exporter. Rage inflicts hatred, hatred inflicts more hatred, then war. War on the virtual world has already been on and we are two steps to get into a physical war.

"There never was a good war, or a bad peace."
(Benjamin Franklin)

What I'm saying is our entire existence will be wiped out by ourselves if this chain of hatred keeps going on. Break the chain. To forgive is to go beyond vengeance and justice. To forgive is not to forget. To forgive is to move forward and learn from it. Series of bad, injustice experience wound us but it is a way to learn, to reflect, to contemplate, to improve and make ourselves wiser. Forgiveness is a bridge leading us to The Path.

We could not reach our dream, our true desire, if we were stuck in the past and let ourselves be blindfolded by rage and hatred. For instance, I might not be able to grasp a learning experience from my ex boyfriend if I chose only to remember him as a big fat liar and manipulator. In fact, he's the one who introduced me to Paulo Coelho, encouraged me to pursue my dream, and taught me not to be afraid to fall and make mistake. In spite of our rocky relationship, I'm here now because of him. To quote from Paulo Coelho (again), "When you want something, concentrate only on that: no one will ever hit a target they cannot see."

Posted in: contemplation on Thursday, August 27, 2009 at at 10:54 PM 0 comments    

Yang fana adalah waktu. Kita abadi:
memungut detik demi detik, merangkainya seperti bunga
sampai pada suatu hari
kita lupa untuk apa.
"Tapi,
yang fana adalah waktu, bukan?."
tanyamu. Kita abadi.

(Sapardi Djoko Damono, "Yang Fana Adalah Waktu", 1978)

Sejak kecil, ibu saya mengajarkan saya untuk disiplin dengan waktu. Segalanya harus tepat waktu. Bahkan lebih sering bukan tepat, tapi sebelum waktu. Kalau tidak sampai di tempat tujuan 30 menit sebelum waktu pertemuan, dia akan panik dan berusaha untuk menganalisis kenapa bisa begitu. Kalau orang yang berjanji tidak sebelum-waktu apalagi tidak tepat waktu, dia akan bertanya terus menerus. Waktu itu, tidak ada telepon dan akhirnya yang bersama dengan ibu saya yang harus menghadapi panik dirinya, bertanya-tanya kapan tibanya, berjalan bolak-balik, duduk, membenarkan posisi duduk, menengok kanan kiri, berdiri, bertanya-tanya lagi, berjalan bolak-balik, bertanya-tanya lagi. Saya, masih kecil, ikut ibu saya secara otomatis walaupun ibu saya tidak memberi sanksi yang gimana-gimana kalau saya terlambat. Cukup omelan saja dan melihat dia panik sudah membuat saya orang jadi anak yang sangat sebelum-waktu. Waktu buat saya keramat. Kalau dilanggar, saya merasa bersalah dan rasa bersalah itu membuat saya tidak tenang, kepikiran terus.

Masuk sekolah menengah, kebiasaan saya ini ternyata membawa untung karena sekolah menengah yang saya masuki sekolah yang dibina oleh para suster. Segala sesuatu harus sesuai aturan. Tidak ada maaf untuk yang kaos kakinya di bawah lutut, tidak ada maaf untuk rok yang panjangnya kurang dari 10 cm di bawah lutut, dan tentunya tidak ada toleransi untuk terlambat. Saya yang tidak menoleransi diri kalau mengkhianati waktu, merasa tidak punya beban tambahan.

Masuk kuliah, longgar. Kuliah masa-masa bebas buat saya. Semuanya serba longgar. Walaupun ada aturan tertulis, buat saya itu tidak masuk aturan karena tidak ada sanksi yang berat untuk pelanggaran. Yang penting tidak berusaha bunuh apapun, termasuk bunuh diri. Merokok yang bukan-bukan dan minum yang tidak halal juga tidak apa-apa, walaupun dilarang di aturan tertulis, yang penting bisa melobi satpam. Semuanya serba asal tidak ketahuan, semuanya kebanyakan negosiasi. Negosiasi waktu, salah satunya. Saya janjian dengan teman kuliah saya jam sekian, mereka baru muncul 1 jam setelahnya, sementara saya 30 menit sebelumnya. Awal-awalnya saya merasa jengkel, merasa dibohongi dan tidak dihormati. Tapi lama-lama saya juga malas menunggu. Jadi saya juga baru datang satu jam setelahnya. Triknya, siap-siapnya justru pas waktu janjian, jadi sampai di tempat, satu jam setelahnya. Lama-lama saya terbiasa begitu, kecuali untuk urusan pekerjaan. Setiap janjian dengan teman saya, saya biasa terlambat dan teman saya juga. Tidak ada yang rugi. Sudah jadi aturan tak tertulis, kalau ketemu teman untuk urusan senang-senang, waktu ketemuan yang bener satu jam setelahnya.

Efeknya buat saya? Saya jadi lebih santai, lebih menikmati momen. Saya yang tadinya membuat diri saya hanya diatur oleh waktu, sekarang saya buat waktu yang mengikuti saya. Saya tidak lagi menghitung waktu makan. Saya makan lebih pelan dan bisa duduk di restoran atau cafe selama berjam-jam, sementara saya sebelumnya kalau habis makan, ya langsung pergi. Hidup saya tidak berpacu terus dengan waktu. Waktu yang berpacu dengan saya.

Menjalani semuanya dengan lebih lambat bukan berarti malas. Makan dengan lebih lambat membuat saya memperhatikan apa saja yang masuk ke mulut saya. Rasa enak dari makanan saya dari bahan apa saja, misalnya. Apa yang membuat rasa manis ini begitu pas, dan sebagainya. Saya bisa tahu berapa jumlah tahi lalat di wajah teman saya. Saya bisa mereka cerita di balik mata orang-orang yang saya temui, apa mereka berdua sedang pedekate atau sudah resmi jadian, apa si laki-laki bertepuk sebelah tangan, dan sebagainya. Saya bisa mencium bau hujan, mendengar bunyi-bunyi air jatuh ke tanah, merasakan udara yang mendingin di kulit saya. Saya bisa berpikir tentang asal muasal manusia, kemungkinan kehidupan lain selain bumi, bagaimana kita bisa mengalami sesuatu, bagaimana posisi saya dalam hidup saya, bagaimana saya memaknai hidup saya sendiri. Menjalani hidup dengan sadar.

Begitu banyak hal yang saya lewatkan ketika saya sibuk memburu waktu. Begitu banyak keindahan yang tidak terasakan oleh saya. Betapa sering saya luput dari kerlingan hidup. Kesempatan-kesempatan yang tidak datang dua kali. Walaupun esok harinya, saya temui lagi kesempatan yang mirip, kesempatan itu tidak pernah sama, seperti kembar identik yang tidak pernah sungguh-sungguh identik.

Hidup ini bukan karena waktu. Waktu ada karena hidup, pada saat kita maknai dengan kenangan, memori, dengan hati. Tanggal 26 Agustus hanya akan jadi tanggal 26 Agustus kalau saya tidak jatuh cinta pada hari itu. Tanggal 25 Oktober hanya akan jadi tanggal 25 Oktober kalau saya tidak sadar bahwa hidup memberikan saya seorang adik yang mau memahami dan mendukung saya. Tanggal 11 Desember juga tidak akan berarti apabila saya tidak menyadari bahwa kehadiran saya di dunia ini membawa bahagia dan harapan untuk keluarga saya. Kenangan ada karena kita berpikir, merasakan, dan hidup dengan sadar, seperti kata Sapardi Djoko Damono, "Kita abadi."


image, courtesy of www.satriani.com

Posted in: contemplation on Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at at 4:07 AM 0 comments    

image, courtesy of Villi.Ingi


As a melancholic person, I have an intense emotion especially regarding sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, anger, disappointment, etc. Some might say that I have a low level of happiness meter. Unconsciously, I prefer what people call as negative emotion. My whole sense of self seems to correspond marvelously in these emotions. When I am sad or heartbroken, it is easier for me to express myself in creative way, such as poetry, any kind of writing, drawing, etc. Therefore I do see that these emotions are not my weakness. They give me strength in some way. Somehow I'm able to connect to events in life that don't always go with happy ending. As Frankie (Brad Pitt) said in "Devil's Own", "Don't look for a happy ending. It's not an American story. It's an Irish one." Life is not always fair. What you give is not always what you get.

However, as a part of society that's spoiled by the advance in technology, I tend to search for quick solution, quick relief to any pain I experience. When I come down with flu, I rush into doctor's office, asking for antibiotic prescription, though I know that my body has immune system that slowly deteriorates because of massive antibiotics intake. Chap chap. That goes with anything too. When I was feeling blue, I wanted my friends to ease that feeling for me. I called my best friend and asked for immediate advice. When he suggested me to do something, I did it right away without realizing this behavior could cause turmoil in our relationship.

I became a dependent-freak. I felt I didn't know what to do and didn't have courage to do anything without his approval. Not only I became what I feared the most, I unconsciously blamed him for unfortunate results. I resented him in various occasions, argued, and became suspicious of him. It just happened. I couldn't help it. After a big fight in a matter that's irrelevant to my previous problem, we didn't talk for six months, even he said that he didn't want to know me anymore. He said eventually I would be regret for what I had done. However my outrageous self didn't want to admit it and denied this on the spot. Of course, I did and here I am, writing of my wrongdoings in the past.

Later on, my ex dropped another big bomb in my face. He had done this millions times right from the start. Headache and any kind of reactions that emulate heart-attack had been casualties but it was different. He was not there. At that time, I didn't have any friends that I could trust. I was alone. It was strange and uncomfortable, facing myself, relying on myself. I felt pain.

However I recalled what he said, that I should confide in myself more. Yes, indeed, that's what I was urging myself to do. I learned to shut up, acknowledge the pain, be patient with it, and contemplated with myself. It's not about suppressing pain but facing it. I learned about the beauty of pain. It was an art, God's gift to make me richer. Like they said, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Indeed we go to the next level in school of life when we finally find the lesson behind the pain. We are getting wiser by facing our own demon, ourselves, in solitude.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't lock up myself in my rooms with tissues and crazy drawings on the wall. I did hangout with my friends but I just didn't spill my problems to them. Until I knew whatever it was, I remained silent about it. First, I was saving myself from dependency demon and my friends from being merely 'keranjang sampah'. Four years and a half in psychology, I know that it's not always nice to listen to problems on daily basis. It's exhausting, to be honest. Second, I provided no chance for gossip news stand (wall, sometimes, has ears). Third, I learned to be more independent. At least in a certain problem, I knew myself more. For example, I do know now what I really want in relationship so I won't get drifted away by my partner. No more crazy bombings in my face.

Well, it doesn't mean that we cannot ask for advices from our friends. Hm, let us put it this way. Are you familiar with this proverb "Malu bertanya, sesat di jalan."? If we don't know your destination, how can people help us?

Posted in: contemplation on Monday, August 24, 2009 at at 11:29 PM 0 comments    

image, courtesy of brechti images

Apa kalian menyimpan benda-benda atau apapun dari masa kecil? Saya punya sebuah boneka ikan, yang masih saya jadikan teman tidur. Boneka itu jauh dari cantik, sudah compang camping dan ditambal sana sini. Tapi tetap saya bawa sampai sekarang. Sampai sekarang orangtua saya masih bertanya-tanya, kenapa saya tidak mau melepaskan boneka itu? Saya juga bingung. Tapi saya jawab saja ke orangtua saja, 'pokoknya gak mau', supaya tidak memicu perdebatan lebih lanjut yang bikin semua orang pusing. Kalau saya pikir, mungkin saya merasa bahwa boneka itu merepresentasikan masa kecil saya. Masa kecil saya dimana saya merasa hidup baik-baik saja. Masa gulali warna warni, permen lolipop, main gundu. Masa bermain, masa senang-senang.

Lulus SD, SMP, SMA, lulus kuliah, masuk dunia kerja. Makin dewasa, masalah yang dihadapi bukan cuma berbeda konteks tapi juga makin kompleks. Kita makin sadar bahwa dunia kita bukan dunia dongeng ala Cinderella, Snow White, dan lain-lain. Malah dunia yang kita hadapi lebih seperti hutan dengan hukum rimbanya, yang tentunya bukan dunia Bambi. Hukum rimba, yang kuat akan makan yang lemah. Oleh karena itu, banyak dari kita yang 'mati-matian' bekerja: pusing menghadapi klien, konflik dengan bos, rekan kerja, bagaimana mengatasi kekurangan budget, dan tantangan-tantangan lainnya. Adrenalin berpacu, terutama buat tukang jaga saham. Tiap detik, semua bisa berubah. Lari-lari sana sini, walaupun badannya diam, isi kepalanya yang lari-lari. Kalau ketinggalan, tergilas.

Hidup kayaknya kok susah bener. Kalau di facebook dan twitter, seringnya ngeluh melulu. Pertama-tama temannya semangat ngasih motivational prep talk, lama-lama bosan dan akhirnya dicuekin. Tambah sebel karena kurang ditanggapi, tambah merasa hidup susah. Lalu bertanya-tanya kenapa temannya tidak mau memberi saran. Akhirnya temannya dengan kesal bilang, "Santai aja lagi!". Lalu yang minta saran merasa temannya sentimen sama dia. Padahal temannya memang benar-benar berpikir bahwa saran yang tepat ya santai aja lagi.

Di dunia yang seperti ini, kita sering lupa kalau kita butuh membangunkan 'anak kecil' dalam diri kita. Membangunkan anak kecil bukan berarti kita harus punya anak. Itu namanya jadi orangtua. Maksud saya, kita jadi anak kecil lagi, kalau bahasa ekstrimnya. Masa kecil. Apa sihyang paling berkesan dari masa kecil, sampai beberapa dari kita pernah bilang, "Pengen deh jadi anak kecil lagi."?

"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing!"
(Benjamin Franklin)

Saya pernah magang di sebuah advertising agency. Di situ orang-orangnya 'asik', bahasa gaulnya. Baju main sama saja dengan baju kantor, pasang musik, main foosball di tengah hari, ketawa-ketawa, dan kerjanya tetap beres. Semboyan mereka mungkin banyak kerja, banyak main. Hal yang jarang saya temui di kantor-kantor lain. Mungkin ini memang situasi di advertising agency yang menuntut kebebasan bermain seperti ini supaya bisa kreatif. Konon orang-orang di bidang kreatif tergantung mood, kalau dikekang dengan banyak aturan, mood nya jadi jelek dan ide-idenya tidak ngalir.

Mungkin tidak semua dari kita kerja di lingkungan seperti ini. Mungkin di tempat kita, aturannya lebih formal. Tapi kita bisa ciptakan suasana bermain di kepala kita. Waktu main game, seruwet apapun, tidak pernah sampai bikin stress seperti masalah di pekerjaan, bukan? Padahal di game, mungkin juga susah untuk menyelesaikan satu stage. Perbedaannya ada di suasana. Satu suasananya kerja, satu lagi suasananya main. Jadi bagaimana kalau kita anggap saja masalah itu seperti game yang harus kita pecahkan?

Menurut saya, jangan bikin masalah menekan kita. Kebanyakan dipikirin, sisi kreatif kita makin mampet. Yang ada semuanya makin ruwet dan butek. Kalau sudah begini, mungkin akhirnya kita balik lagi berharap ada Doraemon dengan kantong ajaibnya. Tapi tidak semua dari kita namanya Nobita, bukan? Pengalaman pribadi, saya orangnya cukup perfeksionis, segala sesuatunya dipikirkan, harus sempurna. Saya bisa butek sendiri karena terlalu berpikir. Pada saat detik-detik terakhir, ketika saya akhirnya kehabisan waktu untuk kebanyakan berpikir, saya sudah terlalu lelah dan akhirnya cuek saja, justru ide-ide yang nyelusup di kepala baru keluar. Ting tong. Done and done. Habis itu saya biasanya langsung merayakan dengan diri sendiri, makan yang enak-enak atau belanja baju. Makanya tidak heran kan kalau saya sering ngeluh bokek?

Kerja tiap hari walaupun di kepala diciptakan suasana bermain, juga tidak baik. Kurang seimbang. Kita ini manusia yang katanya citra Tuhan. Tuhan di hari ketujuh saja libur, masa kita tidak libur-libur? Di kerja kantoran, ada hari libur namanya Sabtu-Minggu. Ada juga cuti, maksudnya buat benar-benar liburan. Liburan itu penting buat kesehatan mental. Bahkan ada beberapa kantor yang kebijakannya mewajibkan karyawannnya buat liburan. Liburan itu hukumnya wajib supaya kita bisa sehat jiwa dan raga, supaya kita tidak stres sampai-sampai kita bikin-bikin aliran sekte, yang sepertinya jadi tren masa kini.

Pada saat liburan, kita bisa bebas sepuas-puasnya bersenang-senang atau bermain. Kebanyakan dari kita bermain di arena yang sudah disiapkan untuk orang-orang seumur kita: bioskop, mall, cafe, dan sebagainya. Tidak ada salahnya. Menonton film menyenangkan, melihat barang-barang diskonan menghibur nan menggelitik buat menjebol rekening tabungan. Tapi ada kalanya, saya pikir, kita perlu lebih spontan lagi, seperti anak kecil yang bisa 'mengubah' mini compo jadi stasiun NASA. Coba pikirkan, waktu kecil, paling senang atau paling ingin main apa. Tanpa perlu malu. Malu itu tanda yang sering disalahkaprahkan buat kedewasaan, karena malu itu menghambat. Ayo main! The world is our playground.

Kalau saya, saya kepingin main tak umpet dan main gundu soalnya seru. Tanpa penjelasan rumit-rumit.


Jemaine and Bret (from Flight of The Conchords), playmates of the year.

Posted in: contemplation on at at 2:41 AM 0 comments    

Flight of Conchords
Synopsis

This HBO series follows the misadventures of struggling folk act Flight of the Conchords (real-life comedy partners Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie). Hoping to extend their fanbase beyond one obsessed groupie, the guys move to New York's East ...Village, where it soon becomes apparent that America's not ready for their unique brand of music.
amazon.com

If I'm caught dead laughing, it's Jemaine and Brett's fault. They committed a serious crime of witty comedy characterization.

Posted in: music on Friday, August 21, 2009 at at 2:32 PM 0 comments    

A Child with A Toy Hand Grenade in Central Park
N.Y.C. 1962


Jewish Giant at Home with His Parents in The Bronx
N.Y.C. 1970


"Most people spend their whole lives fearing a traumatic experience. 'Freaks' are born covered by trauma. Because of that they pass on the test of life. They're aristocrats."
(Diane Arbus)




King and Queen of A Senior Citizens Dance
N.Y.C. 1970


Tattooed Man at A Carnival
MD. 1970

All images were shot by Diane Arbus, courtesy of www.artphotogallery.org

Posted in: contemplation on at at 12:52 AM 0 comments    

image,courtesy of antarafoto.com


Perkara curi-mencuri budaya sudah bukan perkara asing. Sudah sering budaya kita diaku-aku punya negara lain. Beberapa motif batik kita dipatenkan negara lain, lagu-lagu daerah, beberapa motif ukir kayu juga pernah diaku punya negara lain. Seringkali negara kita kecolongan. Seringkali kita marah. Seringkali kita ngata-ngatai negara lain yang tukang colong dan ejekannya lebih sering lagi moncrotnya ke soal-soal lain yang tidak relevan.

Saya coba himpun beberapa komentar soal Tari Pendet ini di twitter saya.

"Tari pendet diklaim lagi sebagai tarian asal malaysia,what?now Bali has moved itself to M*******??"

"From young age, Balinese children learn how to dance Pendet..so they become expert in it..Come to Bali and Prove it. "

"Once a thief, always gonna be a thief. Just saw malingsia travel show and they put wayang in it. Curse you fugly people!"

"Dear M*******, you give us terrorist and try to steal our culture? shame on you"

"M*******, stop claiming something not yours. Just shut up&B proud of YOUR Ami Search,Exist & NoerdinMTop "

"Itu knp deh M******* ?! Kasian bgt sih, ga punya apa2 yg bisa dibanggain selain si Udin Tanktop tukang ngebom.."


Perjalanan "emosi". Pertama-tama, kaget dan marah, karena dicolong terus. Area marahnya masih soal Tari Pendet, tapi lama-lama mulai punya kata-kata hujatan soal maling-malingan. Lama-lama lebih naik lagi emosinya, tiba-tiba soal ancaman keamanan internasional dibawa-bawa (baca: teroris). Bisa dilihat kalau emosi, berpikir jadi butek, tidak jernih. Kalau dibawa ke pengadilan, kasusnya jadi berlapis-lapis nih. Tadinya kita jadi penuntut, lama-lama bisa duduk di kursi tersangka alias yang dituntut.

Akhirnya karena marah-marahnya dinaik-naikin emosinya, masalah yang sebenarnya bisa tidak kesentuh sama sekali. Jadinya menang-menangan kata-kataan, menang-menang hujatan.Lama-lama ini jadi main perang-perangan. Kalau orang-orang dewasa perang-perangannya pakai pistol air sih tidak apa-apa. Tapi kalau kita sadari lagi, makin dewasa, perang-perangannya makin bahaya. Pakai sakit hati, serang ego. Brutal, kalau saya bilang. Pernah dengar kata kiasan marah itu "gelap mata"? Memang jadinya kayak orang buta.

Tidak boleh marah? Ya kalau kita dicolong, kita harus marah. Marah itu benar dalam soal ini. Tapi kalau marah tidak berstrategis, marah tidak konstruktif, itu yang tidak benar. Bukannya bakar semangat buat menyelesaikan masalah, malah bakar diri sendiri dan akhirnya dicolong lagi. Marah meledak-ledak, bakar diri sendiri, colong lagi. Kalau dalam hukum perang, ini namanya tidak bikin pertahanan tapi ngomel kalau diserang. Buka kesempatan sendiri.

Back to the basic problem solving method, people. Negara kita kecolongan budaya, bukan berita baru. Sudah berkali-kali tapi kok kecolongan terus. Jangan-jangan marah-marah itu tidak bikin masalah selesai. Evaluasi ulang strategi. Masalah di negara kita, jangan-jangan adalah kurangnya konservasi budaya.

Alkisah seorang pemerhati budaya dari negara lain datang ke satu pulau Indonesia, dia mendata musik-musik tradisional di pulau itu, dan dia bawalah ke negaranya. Eh pulau itu ketiban bencana. Hampir tenggelam dan yang bisa main musik tradisionalnya sudah pada meninggal. Keturunannya sudah tidak bisa. Akhirnya si negara pendata itu klaim musik yang dikumpulkannya itu musik dari negara itu. Indonesia mau klaim. Ditanya bukti, tidak punya. Yang bisa main musik itu sudah meninggal, dan Indonesia juga tidak punya database. Melayanglah. Jadi saudara-saudara, kalau saya yang sok tahu ini coba analisis, akar masalah di soal ini, satu, tidak ada database, dua, keturunan cuma biologis, tapi tidak turun ahli, tidak ada yang nerusin keahlian musik tradisionalnya. Lebih di akar lagi, kurang peduli, kurang cinta.

Budaya itu bukan cuma buat diposesifin teman-teman, tapi untuk dirasa dan dikembangkan. Di situ banyak nilai-nilai keluhuran. Kalau sudah begini, aksi konservasi pun berjalan dengan rasa, jadi tidak kepaksa-paksa. Orang bisa lihat kita sering praktekin budayanya, jadi negara lain mau ngaku-ngaku pun, diketawain seluruh dunia. Cinta tidak cuma di mulut tapi juga di hati.

Mau marah? Ya percuma. Main salah-salahan? Tidak ada gunanya. Dua-duanya punya salah. Yang satu, salah karena main aku punya orang. Yang dua, salah karena sebelum-belumnya kurang perhatian, ketika dicolong, baru koar-koar. Kalau seperti ini terus skenarionya, saya sarankan kita baiknya mulai jaga-jaga kalau tingkat penderita darah tinggi di negara kita tercinta makin tinggi. Masih mau marah-marah saja teman-teman?

Angry words directed to insult others (read: the M) in irrelevant way, can cease another anger, rage, hatred and fight. When will it stop? Shouldn't we focus our anger to finding ideas about how to preserve our culture?

Posted in: contemplation on Thursday, August 20, 2009 at at 4:06 PM 0 comments    

The World of Stainboy (2000)

Director: Tim Burton
Genre: black comedy

Posted in: unconfined on Sunday, August 16, 2009 at at 2:08 AM 0 comments    

image, courtesy of m0thyyku via deviantart.com

Pengangguran metropolis seperti saya, lagi kere, jadi hanya tinggal di rumah (biaya pergaulan di Jakarta mahal, sampai-sampai saya berpikir kalau profesi saya cuma buat biaya gaul). Untunglah mamak saya masih sayang sama saya dan bapak saya cukup progresif dengan menyediakan koneksi internet broadband. Jadilah saya menghabiskan hari-hari saya download lagu, e-book, dan apa lagi kalau bukan main facebook dan twitter. Selain buat pamer-pamer status, sejak main di situs jejaring sosial, terutama twitter, saya jadi cukup update dengan berita-berita, seperti contohnya saya jadi tahu kalau di Amerika, orang lebih rela keluar uang untuk makanan hewan peliharaannya dan mengurangi belanja makanan untuk diri sendiri. Dua hari yang lalu, twitter saya cukup heboh dengan berita "cewek sarap", "cewek gila", "cewek narsis", dan kata-kata lain yang demi kepantasan sosial, terpaksa saya tahan di otak saya. Ternyata mereka ngomongin Marshanda. Caca, sok akrabnya.

Penasaran saya click link yang ada di status teman saya. Tidak ada yang begitu spesial, cuma tiga ABG cewek karaokean, walaupun cukup lucu, karena hanya sebentar mereka menyanyi. Ada yang sibuk membenarkan rambut (jadi karaokean hanya untuk ngaca, sepertinya), ada yang sibuk makan dengan pose-pose yang sedikit jaim, ada yang nerima telepon, dan kebetulan di belakangnya ada jari tengah melayang dari samping (you know what it mean, do you?). Reaksi saya, cukup eneg dan sebal, cuma setengah, sudah langsung saya tutup. Komentar saya di twitter, "a bunch of narcissistic teenager". Teman saya bertanya, yang mana, apa yang Marshanda yang nyanyi sambil marah-marah dan ngata-ngatain temannya. Pikir saya, "wah sepertinya ada yang lebih heboh lagi nih."

Saya click link video yang berikutnya. Marshanda, lagu "Who Do You Think You Are", dedikasi lagu untuk orang-orang yang telah menyakiti dia (ini disadur dari kata-kata Caca sendiri) dan sederetan nama-nama orang yang katanya menyakiti dia beserta dosanya (untuk beberapa orang yang mungkin perlakuannya sangat membekas). Saya kaget. Reaksi saya, tidak lagi eneg, tidak lagi sebal, tidak lagi sibuk mencari-cari gangguan psikologis apa yang dia alami. "What did they do to her?"

Saya coba bayangkan, kalau saya di posisi Caca, apa yang akan saya rasakan. Caca adalah korban, dari apa saja, saya tidak tahu persis. Tapi dari video itu, saya mendapat kesan bahwa Caca korban bullying teman-temannya, peer abuse (kekerasan oleh teman). Kekerasan ini tidak harus fisik, bisa juga lewat kata-kata dan tindakan-tindakan manipulasi. Truth or dare, versi menghibur hanya untuk si pelaku tapi bukan untuk korban.

Coba kita ingat-ingat, kita amati. Seberapa sering kita lihat atau bahkan kita melakukan hal ini: ngata-ngatai orang, ngejek orang hanya untuk kepuasan kita sendiri atau untuk obrolan yang seru untuk kelompok, seberapa BANGGA kita kalau kita berhasil membuat istilah baru untuk mengejek orang, seberapa kita menganggap bahwa mengejek orang itu KEREN, seberapa sering? Saya tidak menghakimi, saya sendiri berpikir bahwa sepertinya saya pernah melakukan hal ini dan ngerinya, saya bangga kalau bisa mengejek orang, to mock with flair and intelligence, kilah saya. Saya, nonton video Caca, berhadapan dengan sisi gelap saya sendiri. Jangan-jangan hobi saya ini merusak hidup orang. Merusak hidup orang, apa bedanya dengan membunuh? Saya sendiri cukup takut dan merasa diteror kalau saya jadi Caca dan saya baca komentar-komentar orang-orang tentang saya (Caca).

Sebagai ilustrasi saya, saya sering memperhatikan orang-orang. Ini sudah bawaan dari orok, disuruh tutup telinga atau tutup mata, pasti tahu. Satu geng tampak kompak, sering hang out bareng, curhat, atau bahkan nangis bareng. Berhubung teman-teman satu geng ini latar belakangnya beda-beda, cara ngomongnya beda, apa yang dipikir beda, apa yang dirasa beda walaupun ada kesamaan juga. Ya wong orangnya beda, mana mungkin teman tapi orangnya plek persis sama sampai ke dalam-dalam. Kalau ada yang begitu, pasti silap mata (alias kurang teliti) atau curiga saja, jangan-jangan clone. Jadi kembali ke beda, ya pasti bedalah, intinya.

Kadang-kadang dari beda itu, pasti ada yang kurang cucok, pasti ada yang clash, dirasa kurang sreg. "Ya harusnya dia sadar sendiri dong," "itu kan udah common knowledge", "itu kan aturan moral dasar". Ya kurang lebih itulah yang saya dengar dari curhat teman saya yang lagi kesal dengan teman satu gengnya. "Kita semua udah sebel sama dia." Itu juga saya dengar. People versus the defendant. Itu istilahnya kalau di Boston Legal. Bedanya, dalam peradilan ini, tertuduh (defendant) seringkali tidak tahu kalau kasus ini disidangkan. Kalaupun tahu, cuma merasa-rasa, cuma menerka, tapi kasusnya kurang jelas. Jadinya dia diam saja, soalnya kalau nuduh dan salah, nanti dikira tidak percaya teman, atau dia sendiri juga takut sama kenyataan, "temen gue udah ngomongin apa aja ya?" Jangan salah, ini tidak cuma di ABG, ini juga terjadi di kalangan usia-usianya eksekutif muda sampai level usia yang rentan middle-age crisis. Kalau yang lansia, saya belum pernah dengar, dan saya harap tidak, soalnya saya pingin percaya mitos makin tua, makin bijaksana. Atau mungkin saya kepingin percaya bahwa tua nanti, saya jadi orang yang lebih bersahaja sebagaimanapun saya (mudanya) pernah suka mengejek orang.

Bagaimana teman-teman satu geng (people) ngomongin tertuduh? Ada yang baik, diskusi gimana cara ngasih tau yang enak soal kelakuannya yang rada sarap atau sering bikin orang senep. Tapi ada juga yang bikin istilah, yang kalau didenger mungkin sama bikin senepnya atau lebih bikin senep daripada kelakuan si tertuduh. Ada yang ngomongin pribadi, ada juga yang ngomongin di situs jejaring sosial yang notabene public space, dengan kode-kode. Walaupun sudah ditutup kode, orang lain bisa tahu juga bisa tahu. Contohnya orang yang cukup nosy dan cukup kurang kerjaan seperti saya jadi dapat pengetahuan gratis tentang dunia pergosipan yang paling in (peace!). Herannya ngomonginnya seperti ngomongin orang yang tidak pernah kenal. Tidak seperti ngomongin orang yang (mungkin pernah) jadi teman, teman satu geng malah. Kejadian seperti ini, saya temukan, berkali-kali. Jadi kalau ada yang merasa, mungkin yang saya maksud kalian, mungkin yang saya maksud juga bukan anda-anda.

Saya cuma mikir dan saya sudah lama jadi trauma tidak langsung: takut terikat sama satu geng. Satu sisi, saya cukup iri dengan kebersamaannya, nongkrong bareng, curhat bareng, buang ingus bareng, mungkin kalau cukup nyaman, mandi bareng. Tapi saya ngeri, bagaimana kalau saya tiba-tiba tidak sadar melakukan hal yang bikin ga sreg, saya jadi "tertuduh". Saya tidak bisa membayangkan kemungkinan kata-kata apa yang dipakai untuk mencap saya.

Soalnya, saya pikir, kadang-kadang orang bisa lupa, walaupun sekompak apapun, latar belakang masing-masing orang beda. Kadang apa yang kita anggap sudah melanggar "norma sosial" pertemanan yang umum, buat dia wajar-wajar saja. Walaupun dalam masa-masa nyebelin, kita lebih gampang ingat "dosanya", paling tidak, ingat kalau si "tertuduh" itu teman, bukan orang asing. Teman, yang mungkin pernah rela ngangkat telepon kita cuma buat dengar "sampah" kita walaupun ngantuk-ngantuk, yang sibuk cemas kalau kita sakit, yang bersedia ngapa-ngapain buat kebaikan kitalah intinya. Jadi, kalau boleh saya simpulkan, syarat berteman itu saling sayang.

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell

Kalau sayang, mbok ya bilangi, biarpun menyakitkan, supaya ada komunikasi, siapa tahu salah paham. Dengan begini kan, kita sama-sama belajar. Kalau sudah dibilangi, sudah didiskusikan, dia kayaknya tetep ndableg, ya sudah mungkin bukan "jodoh". Irreconcilable differences. Mungkin lebih baik buat dia dan satu geng untuk pisah. Paling tidak, pisahnya bukan atas asas benci siapa versus siapa, tapi atas dasar cinta dan kasih sayang.

Kasih itu terlalu sering dilupakan orang, padahal kasih adalah dasar fondasi hidup kita. Tanpa kasih, mungkin kita sudah balik ke jaman purbakala, gara-gara semua orang sibuk perang dan bunuh-bunuhan satu sama lain. Ingat beberapa waktu lalu, kita semua ngeri dan berduka atas korban terorisme? Tandanya dunia mau kiamat, kata sebagian orang. Pikir saya, apa bedanya dengan ngata-ngatai orang, bukannya itu bentuk teror juga walaupun masih kelas teri. Mungkin sistemnya seperti sekolah. Yang kelas teri lama-lama naik kelas ke kelas kakap, yang dulunya teri mengajari anak barunya di kelas teri yang baru. Lama-lama dunia kita jadi sekolah "kebencian". Menurut saya, ini tanda masyarakat yang sakit, yang lupa menghargai orang (kalau bahasa lebih politisnya: diskriminasi), yang lupa kalau hidup kita saling berhubungan seperti jaring-jaring, baik dengan manusia, hewan, tumbuhan, bakteri, virus, dan sebagainya. Lupa cinta.

Maka,

Nourish your compassion even though it's dim and vague for compassion is an endangered human specimen nowadays. We are one step closer to become living evil.

Posted in: contemplation on Saturday, August 15, 2009 at at 10:57 AM 0 comments    

Awesome video, great music! Very creative: dreamy and breathtaking. Ingenious spin from the song!

Posted in: music on Friday, August 14, 2009 at at 7:50 PM 0 comments    

The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible As Literally As Possible by A.J. Jacobs


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
When I spotted this book, I thought that it's just another biblical book, maybe an enlightenment coming from thunder, burning trees, striking light, etc. However, my former psychology lecturer who's atheist gave this book 5 stars, so I thought this must be not just another biblical book and decided to spend my last penny to buy this book.

A.J. Jacobs was raised in secular family, estranged from religious life. To quote from his saying, "I was agnostic before I even knew what the word meant." For a long time, he thought that religion would fade away because the potential for abuse too high. However the influence of religion is still strong and he pondered that if he's the one who's missing it and not them. This part intrigued me the most: a secular agnostic experimenting to follow the bible as literally as possible. I wondered how it would turn out.

First of all, I have to give credit to him for doing somewhat bold, scary, and funny, things that I perhaps won't dare to do as an agnostics. He did things that seemed oxymoronic in his quest in one year (what a long time). He grew beard, only wore cloth made from unmixed fibers, didn't curse, ate only "biblical" diet, played 10 string harps, stoned adulterer, invited Jehovah Witness, went to religious community, even to the fundamentalist one, etc.

If he wasn't self-observant and insightful, this book probably would go awry. He didn't. He found a spiritual awakening and insight even from seemed-to-be-ridiculous rules. This book is absorbing, I couldn't stop reading it and wondering what A.J. Jacobs would tell me on the next chapter. He's funny and had a flair with words without being complicated. Reading his book was like listening to him talking to you. He was able to get me to sit in front of him for days and still make me excited.

View all my reviews >>

Posted in: book, review on at at 2:07 PM 0 comments    

image, courtesy of thedailysuperman.wordpress.com


"Ever since I can remember, I'd wanted to be clever. Some people are born clever, same way some people are born beautiful. I'm not one of those people. I'm going to have to work at it, put in the effort, and if I mess it up, I'll learn from it. Besides, sometimes it's not about knowing the right answer. Sometimes it's about asking the right questions."

(Starter for 10, 2006)

Posted in: contemplation on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at at 1:56 PM 0 comments    

image, courtesy of www.stolen-agency.com

Today, I turned down a proposition. It's not that I was too picky, the it is quite promising actually, at least to secure the future. I assume every sane man/woman will find it intriguing, hence, will accept the offer gratefully. That's not the case with me, maybe I'm insane, I don't know. I turned it down simply because based on my snap judgment, I have to sacrifice what I treasure most: liberty and creativity. Playing 'neat' and 'proper' are definitely not my forté.

I can invest my energy 100% as long as I can keep my liberty and creativity. Liberty and creativity come in a package. Creativity can be nurtured if there's a room of freedom. Creativity is liberating, not limiting. This is my ideology and I'd like to keep that as long as possible because it is me and I refuse to give it up. Anything I do must allow me to interact with freedom and creativity.

Am I an idealist? At certain level, I think I am. My dream is to be a writer but I don't limit myself in writing. Realistically, there's a stomach to feed and there's an expectation to meet. Hence I am willing to try another job too. There's compromise but I still set a limit. I believe it's important to be adaptive to any situation but still incorporate fragments of your dream. I don't want to be just another man/woman, I want to be me. I'm restless but I am myself, steady then I am not me.

Don't let reality steal your dream and don't let your dream swallow you alive.

By freedom, I don't mean that I can do anything I please but I was allowed to do anything necessary to achieve the goal. Creativity is related to the formation of new insightful ideas that can create a breakthrough and inspire people. I don't want to just achieve a goal given, but I want to create viral ideas that can 'punch' people.

Having to do something and stripped from those two, that is my greatest fear. Perhaps I was spoiled. My parents are still willing to feed me while I'm in a process to find the exact match. Would I lead a different life if my parents were not supporting me? Maybe yes. Maybe I'm able to let myself to compromise more. In the end, I think that our environment affect us much. My parents raise me in a certain way and society may shape me with its norms and 'division of labor'. Mismatched and forced to behave in a certain way that's not myself, I do fear. I find if your identity had to be stripped, any fortune could be misfortune.

Posted in: contemplation on at at 1:34 AM 0 comments    

Zaman Peralihan by Soe Hok Gie


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Zaman Peralihan memuat artikel-artikel yang ditulis oleh Soe Hok Gie. Soe adalah seorang pemikir yang mempunyai sikap tegas terhadap kebenaran. Soe menganalisis keadaan dari berbagai segi, tidak hanya ideologi semata, tetapi juga melihat dari persoalan ekonomi, sosial politis, dan sebagainya. Salah satu artikelnya yang paling saya sukai adalah tentang bagaimana situasi atau keadaan yang pernah dialami oleh suatu generasi sulit dilepaskan dan mempengaruhi cara berpikir generasi tersebut terhadap situasi-situasi yang dihadapinya.

Soe membantu menggulingkan komunisme yang pada waktu itu baru saja melakukan pemberontakan besar. Namun Soe tidak semata-mata membenci komunisme secara membabi buta tetapi ia berusaha untuk menganalisisnya secara rasional, bahwa tidak semua anggota partai komunis adalah mobilisator tetapi ada pula rakyat kecil seperti petani yang dipaksa masuk atau masuk hanya karena janji diberi tanah. Soe juga mengkritik cara-cara penguasa memperlakukan tapol (yang dituduh komunis) yang mengabaikan aspek kemanusiaan.

Buku ini, menurut saya, sangat relevan untuk dibaca sampai sekarang karena persoalan-persoalan esensial yang dibahas masih terjadi sampai sekarang. Sejarah berulang. Dulu anti komunis, sekarang anti terorisme. Membaca buku ini menginspirasi saya untuk lebih peka dan kritis serta berhati-hati untuk tidak terjebak slogan anti-antian dan malah melakukan apa yang dituduhkan kepada si objek anti (misalnya mengusung anti terorisme, tapi mendukung kekerasan dan melegalkan hukuman tanpa proses peradilan). Lebih baik mendalami, sungguh berpikir, dan merefleksikan supaya "kami tidak takut" tidak cuma jadi jampi-jampi.

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Posted in: book, review on at at 1:33 AM 0 comments    

If you think twice before doing something, it may be not wise to do that something. Sometimes your brain processes information so fast that you are not entirely aware of it. Make a list of positive and negative impact that may be elicited by that something, and rate them: which one is more or less important.

Posted in: contemplation on Thursday, August 06, 2009 at at 10:50 PM 128 comments    

How many of you think that calling people names is cool? I'm not talking about the friends you frequently talk to, because when you know people, you may not like some parts of them. We cannot force people to really like us. That's why we spend our lifetime to search for our so-called soulmate. Then how about strangers? Complete strangers. We don't know what they have been doing, their work, their life, etc. How many of you calling them names based on their physical appearance?

It is never cool. It's not creative inventing names to mock people you don't know about. Calling a lady as one of the animal, things, etc. just because of her look, it's sexist, even though you're claiming that it's not what you mean. Calling a man as one of the animal, things, etc. just because of his look, it's sexist, even though you're claiming that it's not what you mean. Just because you say you don't mean it, it is not. Often you know it is, than you defend yourself claiming that you're not.

Don't call yourself a respectable or noble or smart or creative one if you do this, or even if you earn a title because of this nonsense behavior. This is not me being uptight, we're talking about human right. It is human right to be respected!

Put yourself or your loved ones in their shoes. Really. If you or your loved ones are the subjects of mockery, what will you feel or what will you do? If you're mad and you want to kill the people who do the mockery, then you are not allowed to be angry or seek justice if they are angry or they are trying to kill you. Hatred spreads fast through words. Nowadays it's even faster as we can do it on twitter or facebook or YM or MSN, whatever. Don't say you miss love reigning the world, don't curse terrorism if you spread hatred. Hatred and violation of human rights are terrorism.

Look at yourself closely if you have been committing this crime compulsively. Are you having self-esteem problem that you have urging need to mock strangers in order to make you feel better about yourself? Well, fix yourself, don't make other people be a victim of your own problem. Seek help, there's still love left in this world. Be it your friends or professional ones like self-healers or psychologists. Fix yourself, fix the world.

Posted in: contemplation on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 at at 11:18 PM 0 comments