Buku Kenangan

image, taken from here

It was dark and cold. I couldn't see anything clearly and neither any sound was heard. I just walked and walked never knowing where I was exactly. A lost child, I followed my instinct. I am always afraid of darkness because when it is dark, you're not aware of what waiting ahead of you or who going to take advantage of this situation. I like being in control, knowing what I do, assessing my surrounding. Darkness is certainly not my natural environment given what horror movies frequently demonstrated that any danger can happen anytime. At this point, I had no choice but to fight it. Tip toe, tip toe. Although horror whispered in my ear, there's something magical about not knowing what to do but actually knowing what to do. The voice in my heart told me where to step and to stay calm as it prepared me to face anything that might happen.

There was no candle in my hand but I still had candle in my heart. I hoped that I was strong enough not to let my fear blow the fire, but the darkness started to touch the tip of my heart, as if evil waiting for me, giggling on me. I held my breath. The air was so thick and humid that grasping a breath was not an easy task. Suddenly I smelled stench of blood. Oh good, was this shocking therapy for my phobias? Did my fear alter my senses? I began to doubt myself but I kept walking. Then I sensed my feet was stepping on a wet floor and the smell was getting stronger. My fear urged me to go away but my curiosity told me to go on. I kept telling myself, this was a one time experience, I should find out or else spent my lifetime wondering about this, so I walked and let the horrid smell be my guide.

As dark caressed me, a voice in my head was telling run away but I ignored it. I had given up to it for many times and this time I wouldn't though I still had doubt. What if it was not my fear per se but it was my instinct? I needed to know and it asserted me to find evidence to verify my hypothesis. "I'm walking dear, don't interrupt me," I said to myself. Even so, the fear and the curiosity pulled me from opposite directions no matter how I told them not to. "Opposite attraction", huh. The two must co-exist as a signal of my sanity.

I walked cautiously, not to miss any sign sent by my nerves from my body. My feet told me that there's something in front of them. It was supple and moist, my skin said. Urging to find out, my nosy self took its turn. I bent over and placed my right hand to that unidentified object. Right after that, my head traveled to various scenes in thriller movies, blood and cut-open throat. My heart pumped harder, blood rushed to my head, sweaty palms, and the hair of my flesh all stood up. My intuition told me that someone approaching me and he/she was getting closer to me. I couldn't move, frozen like a statue. My body won't do what my head ordered to do. I imagined this must be what we felt when we were faced with bomb that was still ticking, seconds to explode. Despite of what danger awaited me, I managed to ponder if "we are not afraid" was humanely enough to be a slogan. Were we all supermen? Nope. How about, "we fight terrorism"? Human could be afraid or terrified but when there's strong will, human would fight to the end.

Succumbed to my fear, I knew that he/she was already behind my back, staring at me. I was in horror. I could see a speck of light in front of me. It was not from a lamp or flashlight, it was more like reflection. I chose not to take a guess. Wait a minute, was the person behind me Freddie Krueger? Oh I wished I was in Howie Do It show. Prankster wouldn't kill me but if it was for real, no doubt that I would end up as victim no. 2 (at least) and in the morning, investigators from CSI might come and read my "victim resume", "Twenty two year old girl found in her bedroom, slashed in her wrist, neck cut open, blablabla".

Oh yeah, thinking about this wouldn't save me, I should focus on happy thoughts so I could spell "Expecto Patronum."* Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Me, my brother, and parents gathered and we were laughing on Zoolander, my first kiss in front of my house, my best friend's graduation, my first internship job. Filled with joy, hope, gratefulness, and peace. My heart sang, "Peace is not what we find in a place that is free of noise, problems and hard work; peace is what allows us to preserve the calm in our hearts,even in the most adverse situations. That is its true and only meaning."** Boom, right after that, My Protector saved me. I was wide awake in my room. Light and no fear.

Grand conclusion: I watched too much movies.


*one of charms in Harry Potter, classical Latin for "I await a protector".
** quoted from Stories for Parents, Children and Grandchildren vol. 2, Paulo Coelho

Posted in: unconfined on Saturday, August 29, 2009 at at 11:25 AM